So, I feel that this post will be all over the place. But simply bare with me for a bit and excuse my excessive use of the word so...I feel it may be used here quite a bit.
So, for about two years or so I have been feeling like I have ruined someones life. And this life that I have ruined is someone that I love dearly. It is my younger sisters life that I feel like I have messed up. I realized, perhaps too late, that I messed it up when I started dating my boyfriend. Do not get me wrong, I love my boyfriend very much but I just wish I was able to change how I acted when I started dating. I made it a top priority to be around him all the time and talking to him and about him to my sister. I did not see the pain in her eyes when I would tell her how much fun I had and how I couldn't wait to hang out with him again.
Then came the part where I finally noticed the part where she changed, again all because of me. I asked her to keep my secret from my parents. My mom finally started asking me if I was gay and I would tell her of course not. I never expected her to go ask my little sister if I were and continue to bother her about this. All the time that she was being bothered I was out with my boyfriend. Then one day after dating him for almost a year my sister came to me crying saying she couldn't take the pain she was feeling keeping my secret from my mom. That was the first time I saw her pain and I realized it too late. I told my mom that I was gay and that I wanted her to stop bothering my sister. When I finally told her my sister was there for me to talk to so I wouldn't feel bad about my moms reaction to me coming out to her.
So, that summer my mom wouldn't talk to me for a while. When she finally did she would not acknowledge the fact that I was a out gay male.
I went to school that year. I was able to keep in touch with my sister for a few months but then I got busy. She started hanging out with people that were not a great role model for her. Drinking, smoking, and swearing all the time. Of course, again I felt this was my fault for practically abandoning her when she needed me and asking her to hold my secret for so long.
Of course from there things just went down hill. Things got worse in the household. It felt like a dark cloud was stationed over my house. I felt her drifting away and I knew that I had caused it. I was the one that started drifting away from her when she needed me the most.
Now when I look back and think of how old she was when I asked her to do all those things for me I realized that I was the one that forced her to grow up sooner than she needed to. That I was the one that changed her and set her up for what may be her downfall.
The relationship we had was built over a long stay in Mexico one summer and I threw that away. I can't talk to her anymore. She sits and listens but I can't help but to think that she isn't really listening to what I am saying to her. I tell her that I want to have the same relationship we used to and how much I want to hang out with her again. But her idea of hanging out is a few hours and then running off with another friend. What hurts the most is I know that what I feel when she would run off to hang out with someone else is what she felt when I would run off to hang out with my boyfriend. It hurts. I cannot believe I put her through this over and over again for over a year. A year.
I want to have the relationship we used to have. Now I can barely talk with her without her getting into one of her angry moods. Today we had one of those. She asked me to ask my dad for money so she can get gas. I asked her what she was going to do and she became upset with me. For simply asking her what she was going to do. She wouldn't talk to me afterwards. I tell her that I am sorry for putting her through it but nothing comes of it. We talk like we used to for a few hours then she gets upset again.
Like I said, I would do anything to do it all over again but show her that she was still the most important thing to me. I think it's rather interesting that as I am writing this it is storming pretty badly. I miss my baby sister, the way her and I used to be. It is my fault that her life is messed up.
